I’m Through With Santa

Santa Claus has the right idea-visit people only once a year”-Victor Borge

A White Christmas

I’m just a little miffed with Santa Claus. I have been so good, never once being placed on the naughty list. I will admit that I’ve had some close calls at being bad, but they weren’t my fault. You know what they say about temptation…

The Beginning of my Heartbreak

Now don’t get me wrong, we had a white Christmas, which was all well and good. The weather wasn’t at all frightful nor did I slip on any left over ice from the previous storm and bust my butt. To make sure that the jolly old guy in the red suit could find my tree, I put up five, yes, five Christmas trees of various heights and decorated in different themes. I feel that a person who puts in so much work deserves her special request.

To make matters worse, I even tracked Saint Nick on the morning, afternoon and evening news. When announcements blasted that he was in Rome, then Paris I knew I had time to prepare his favorite, Toll House cookies, that would greet him when he came down the chimney. Then the weatherman said, “Santa has entered Canadian air space and being guided by jet planes so that no harm would come to him,” I cheered.


Late in the evening, around ten-thirty, the word was out. “Santa is in the Kansas City area. He is circling and cannot land until all children are in bed.” I turned off the T.V. and ran to my bed. The next morning, I bounded down the stairs, expecting to see my one and only request under the tree.

English: Thomas Nast's most famous drawing, &q...

English: Thomas Nast’s most famous drawing, “Merry Old Santa Claus”, from the January 1, 1881 edition of Harper’s Weekly. Thomas Nast immortalized Santa Claus’ current look with an initial illustration in an 1863 issue of Harper’s Weekly, as part of a large illustration titled “A Christmas Furlough” in which Nast set aside his regular news and political coverage to do a Santa Claus drawing. The popularity of that image prompted him to create another illustration in 1881. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For five years I’ve asked for one thing, a man. I’ve written specific instructions to Santa. Make him tall, five-eight to six foot even, handsome, a working man who pays his bills on time and give him a dash of sexiness. A sense of humor, a desire to travel and a deep abiding love for me were just the extras on the side of my main meal. I checked all five trees and not a foot, a hand, a leg nor a hairy chest did I find. I even checked the chimney just in case he got stuck. I looked in the front and back yard. I even asked the sparrows that I feed if they had seen him and all they did was chirp at me.

The End

I hate to put Santa down like that, but he did not deliver. I even called the island of Misfit Toys and they said no human being had been left there. So, I’m finished with Santa. After five years I’ve torn up my lists, closed off the chimney and called it quits.  Thanks for breaking my heart again. Love, Peace and a Happy New Year to you, old Saint Nick. (All photos by L. Johnson)


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